Take Charge rewritings

One of my best friends and I came across the funniest piece of writing ever, Margaret Atwood's 'Take Charge'. She had written five different situation and used for all of them the same phrasing. We decided to rewrite those situations. This was the outcome!

The ice age
- Sir, the spear tooth is coming! He hasn’t eaten in days! And we are a fat tribe, you know that!
- Don’t just shiver there, you fat-ass. Go and sacrifice yourself!
- Sir, I can’t walk.
- May all the holy spirits curse your soul! No help for it, I’ll have to do it myself. Role me over to the beast then.
- Sir, my ass is frozen to the ground.
- Well do the best you can.

The ancient times
- Sir, your crown of leafs is burning!
- Don’t you just bow there, you slave! Get me some water to extinguish it!
- Sir, I can’t, there is no water here in this area! Only sand!
- By Jupiter, I’m not an ostrich. No help for it, I’ll do it myself. Take me to the sand!
- Sir, you can’t, there is a fight between gladiators and lions going on!
- Well do the best you can.

Year zero
- Sir, my water broke! Dear God, what to do?
- Don’t you stand there you fake virgin! Take off your pants and jacket[1]!
- Sir, I can’t move, the baby is coming, and I’m in such pain!
- Oh, Jesus Christ! No help for it, I’ll do it myself. Spread you legs please.
- Sir, this is called harassment! You are not going to help me!
- Well do the best you can!

Middle ages
- Sir, the sodomites have broken our door and burned Maria Magdalena!
- Don’t just kneel there, you God-fearing peasant! Pray to God to help us, for we will be lost without him.
- Sir, I’m just a simple man from the country.
- For the love of all that is holy, why has He sent me you? No help for it, I’ll just have to do it myself. Bring me the light of our Holiness.
- Sir, my legs are gone.
- Well, do the best you can!

Romantics
- Sir, Miss Edwards has eloped with Mr. Woodberry. They’ve been seen last in the city, I’ve been told by our friendly neighbour, Mrs. Walter.
- Don’t just sit there, you ill-tempered woman! Fetch me a pencil and a piece of paper. Then call for the servant.
- Sir, my poor nerves are in no condition to do anything!
- Good gracious, what am I suppose to do with you, you life taking, gossiping little queen of Satan’s paradise. No help for it, I’ll have to do it myself, get me my wheelchair.
- Sir, we are in the nineteenth century, there is no such a thing!
- Well, do the best you can!

[1] Fourth album of Blink-182